Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all – and to myself too! I was dreading spending Christmas alone – so far none of the good people of Zuoz or St. Moritz has thought of inviting me, though they all know that I am on my own. Turns out I will have company: I found out that my friend Paul booked his flight back to Canada for December 26 because his family celebrates according to the Russian calendar. So he too would spend the 25^th moping around alone – and I invited him to come up to Zuoz – and he accepted the invitation despite the very limited time we will have together since I’ll be working until 7pm on the 24^th and he has to leave in the afternoon of the 25^th to catch his flight on the next morning. It doesn’t matter. The perspective of having a guest motivated me to decorate, and not having seen anybody except locals since the end of October, I am very much looking forward to seeing a friend.

I am in high spirits tonight, as I just had two days off in a row. Yesterday, while listening to the whole Messiah I spent 2 hours decorating my living room with ornaments found in the apartment and the greenery collected in the woods before the snow covered it all. The apartment looks quite festive now. I had planned to go cross-country skiing in the afternoon, but while I was eating lunch I heard a fire truck come up the road towards the village, followed by an ambulance a couple minutes later. Then another fire truck... I was starting to feel some anxiety - since spending September 11, 2001 in New York I have a very low tolerance level for multiple emergency vehicles. Eventually 9 fire trucks drove up the road and I knew that something major was happening. So, instead of going skiing, I walked up to the village. The barn of the house next to the one we used to stay in was on fire. The narrow roads made for difficult access and the fire trucks were positioned in the streets all around the barn - each trying to reach all the way to the fire. I couldn't see any flames - just smoke coming through the roof. A few firemen were on the precariously slanted roof, shoveling snow, and then cutting a hole into it. I watched (and photographed) the action until I was really cold and went home, looking forward to warm up with a hot cup of tea.

I got home ok but never got the tea, for as soon as I got home the power went out - and stayed out for a good 3 hours, or until past 6pm. Since it was -25 C last night, the apartment started to cool down quite quickly, and at 5pm it also started to be really dark. In Portland I am well equipped for our frequent power failures. Here they never happen, and I was unprepared - except for the many candles I had displayed all over the house with my Christmas decorations! Dinner was a salad with a glass of milk - it was an early dinner because I anticipated a long, cold and boring evening and therefore an opportunity to catch up on my sleep. Thank God the power returned just as I was getting really desperate for a cup of coffee. The cause of the failure: a private jet crashed on a transformer station near the airport, resulting in a black-out in the whole valley. Not even the train was circulating and I felt really lucky to be safely at home rather than in transit in the cold.

Thankfully today was eventless. It was less cold than last week, with a perfectly blue sky and the low sun giving all the warmth it could, and I went downhill skiing, right here in Zuoz. I found out that the chairlift was closed only when I got there, so I spent my time on the bunny slope, having a blast in the fresh air and the sun.

I went out one more time in the late afternoon, to an Advent Window: during all of December, every night a family hosts a gathering open to all, to mingle and celebrate. Unfortunately these open houses take place between 5-7pm and therefore I cannot attend when I work. Today's was hosted by the public library. I had never gone up to the center of the village with all the holiday lights and the tree lit up. The open house itself was a flop - I was the only one there and the librarian was busy being a librarian, so I didn't stay. Still it was worth the trip, since I then walked home with the almost full moon painting the snowy landscape in silver.

St. Moritz holiday lights and Palace Hotel tree.

My decorations. On the right, the figurines of my father's nativity. The structure that's supposed to house the figurines, a barn built my Dad himself when he was young, is in Portland!

Fire in Zuoz.

Zuoz Christmas lights.

St. Gallen

Tonight I got home as late as if I had returned from work - except that I am returning from a visit to my aunt in St. Gallen. She is now pretty much home-bound: there's much snow all over Switzerland and being almost blind and very frail, she doesn't dare go out, and I don't blame her. My visits with her are becoming more and more relaxed and rewarding. We have a comfortable routine that stresses neither one of us. I brought her a tin of Christmas cookies, 3 of her own recipes which I baked over my last 3 days off. It was worth it. When she opened the tin her face lit up and although it was just about dinner time, she had to taste one immediately. I ran errands for her and cooked a nice meal for her and her friend, which, as always, they ate with much gusto. Last night was spent programming her new phone and teaching her to use it: hers has died that very morning and a friend got her a new one! At 93 she practiced and learned to use it!

While I was busy baking my cookies, my kids were busy carrying forward the holiday traditions. Eric and girlfriend Pam baked St. Nicolas bread men, and Claire called me one night from San Francisco, asking for advice on runny icing! She now is the 4th generation using my grand-mother's recipes.

As if dealing with American health insurance were not enough, I am now having trouble with my Swiss one. Anticipating a move away from Zuoz in the summer, I called my insurance (6 months ahead of time) to inquire about the formalities with respect to such a move. I was told that my premiums would rise substantially if I took residence in the western part of Switzerland. So I inquired about quitting and contracting with another insurance with rates more favorable to that part of the country. The employee explained that if I had a Fr. 300 deductible I could cancel my contract at the end of June, but with my Fr. 2,500 deductible I couldn't until the end of 2011. Her advice was not to move before the end of the year! I then suggested I change my plan to the lower deductible. Her response: you just missed the deadline for changing plans by a few days. Now I was really taken aback, since I had not received any letter informing me of such a window. The employee said that indeed they don't mail anything out, since everybody knows that changes to insurance have to be made by November 30. I pointed out that I had just returned to the country after 33 years abroad - how was I supposed to know? She kindly gave me the address of the insurance's board of directors, so I could send them a letter! Wish me luck!

This week I start work every day at 7am - which means either catching the 6:24 am train, or sleeping in St. Moritz. I then work either until 5 pm (getting home at 6:30 pm), or until 7 pm - getting home at 8:30 pm if I have to take the train. This is not a sustainable pace, and I have now gotten to the point where I no longer have either the time or the energy to respond to emails. But please, keep on sending messages - I definitely do read them!

Between the extreme cold and the dryness of the air, I now constantly have cracks at the tips of my fingers. It makes writing and typing painful, and I have much difficulty getting the change out of the cash register. Yes... the cash register... You know how when the roll of paper for the receipts almost runs out, it is marked with red streaks? I always presumed that it was as a warning to the cash operator to insert a new roll of paper. We are not allowed to do so until the paper is completely out. That means that instead of doing it when there's a lull between clients, we have to do it while ringing up a client's purchases, with more clients impatiently waiting for their turn. The reason: changing the paper before the roll is empty is a waste of money!

Off for 2 days of work, followed by 2 days off - before the big holiday rush - 20 days of work with only one day, December 25th, off.


2010 Christmas cookies.















This picture is for my sisters and my kids: the little square near my aunt's house.














The majestic St. Gallen baroque cathedral. This is where I attended mass as a child when visiting my grand-mother.













Old town of St. Gallen, with snow and Christmas decorations.

Escaping

I am going to stick with it through the Christmas season, but I'll ask to have my schedule reduced to 80% starting January 9 - or I'll hand in my resignation effective January 31. I cannot go on like this. I don't know how others do it, but I just can't.

The store is now very busy. There's no longer time to either check the time or go to the bathroom. I am entirely focused on serving, promptly, efficiently, smilingly, and the hours fly by, and all of a sudden it's 7pm and I realize that I am totally wasted. I have now done 5 days in a row at this pace. I have today off, and then I am on for another 5 days. When I finally get home I am too tired to even respond to email - and I apologize to all of you who are waiting to get a personal message. I find myself gulping down my food because the breaks are not long enough to eat and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and refill my water bottle. Even during my long break I now feel stressed. When I am out on a walk I am constantly checking my watch to make sure I am back in the store on time. Today, on my day off, I have been unable to relax, eating too quickly and feeling my heart race. All this can't be good.

My back is better but not good. I ought to go to a chiropractor - no time. I did return to yoga and it helps. I am trying to practice controlled breathing while waiting for clients to make up their mind and while riding the elevator, but it's not quite enough to achieve a zen state. The mood in the store has gotten worse. Obviously I am not the only one to be stressed and tired, and there are all kinds on tensions, misunderstandings, infringements on each other's territories... I am still managing to remain above all of it, but for how much longer?

I feel that the job is literally dispiriting, in the sense that it's robbing me of my spirit. The stress, the tiredness, but also many other petty ways. The uniforms, for example: most of us new employees wear shirts several sizes too big. The shirts of the women who have been there for a long time are worn to the point of being full of holes. A detail, but added to all the other aggravations, it matters. There is the issue of the pens. The business doesn't provide pens. We each have to provide our own, meaning they are preciously guarded and hidden, and retrieved with much effort when needed - which is often. Wouldn't it be so much simpler to have cheap pens lying around a little everywhere, so they are not an additional issue?

If I were the manager I'd call every morning at 8am a short staff meeting. I'd recap the previous day, explain the new pastries and chocolates which are now on the shelf, give advice on how to best gift wrap them, and wish us all a good day. I thought about it on the day when all of a sudden clients brought these big stars to the counter - which I had never seen (it's now too busy to have the time to check what new items might be offered for sale on a daily basis). I had no idea how to wrap them, called an experienced colleague who started packing them up, until the boss arrived and made her unpack them because he has a better idea. Meanwhile the clients were shaking their heads and waiting...

I spent Monday night in St. Moritz. When I plugged in my computer I blew a fuse and spent the rest of the evening in the dark since I couldn't find the fuse box. Fortunately my room faces City Hall with their outrageous display of Christmas lights, which light up my whole room as well as the square below. Since I didn't have anything else to do but think, I started worrying about possible escape routes in case of a fire and came to the conclusion that if there's a fire I am toast - literally. I am on the 4th floor of an old building of which the inside is all wood. There are no fire escapes, no fire breaks, and only one door to the outside, which is locked at all times. I can visualize myself going down 4 floors in the dark and the smoke, and then finding the correct key in my key ring, as well as the key hole, and letting myself out... Seeing all the holes in the walls, pipes and faucets leaking, I can only imagine the state of the wiring. Add to this that most employees smoke. I ended up not sleeping much that night - all the more since the snowplows went into action at 5am and worked on the square until it was time to get up at 7am...

On the positive side: I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit and have been baking Christmas cookies in my spare time (!). I want to bring a tin full to my aunt when I go see her next week. Since I got the recipes from her, who got them from her mother, it's all very appropriate. I have decorated my living room a bit, and yesterday I bought an ornament at the St. Moritz Christmas market - except that when I unpacked it I found the "Made in China" label... Meanwhile I get much joy from observing from afar how my kids are perpetrating the Christmas traditions: Eric called me to ask for the Czech Christmas bread recipe, so he could bake it for his grand-father while on a Thanksgiving visit. Claire is busy baking her cookies - I gave her my mother's cutters. Eric mailed me a St. Nicolas package - which really touched me.


On a walk near Zuoz. I decided it was too cold to go downhill skiing and the cross-country tracks were not yet prepared.













Lake St. Moritz freezing up.
















The St. Nicolas bread man (Benz) sold in the Swiss bakeries on December 6th. My kids will agree with me that those we baked as a family were prettier and more interesting - and I must add, also better.

















Schoggispitzbuben - one of the family Christmas cookie recipes.

City Race

Thank you all for your messages, for your insights, for your advice. Is it because of all this support, or because after one month I am to some degree getting used to my new life, or perhaps just because a weekend off finally allowed me to regroup? Either way, I am doing better.

The trial period ended on November 30, and now I have to give 30 days notice if I want to quit. I have applied for a couple of other jobs, one as a receptionist in a dentist's office (no experience necessary), and one as a hiking guide for the Ski School (retired folks welcome). The first question I got when I called the dental office was my name, the second my age. They didn't seem interested in hearing anything else. I have not gotten the promised calls back from either entity, and so, once again, to some degree, I am feeling lucky to have at least this miserable bakery job.

The other day I had the worst schedule ever: from 8am to 9:30, then a break until 11:00am at which time I had to go for lunch, and then work from 11:30am to 7:00pm with one 15 minutes break! Meanwhile I got the schedule for the days off in December - finally on November 29! I don't know how employees with family and other obligations are managing! It's impossible to plan anything. The weekly schedule only gets posted on the prior weekend - so again, it's impossible to make any kind of commitment for the long breaks. Ironically I am feeling proud for having made the cut through the trial period - the colleague who started on the same day as I, didn't!

The store has large windows through which we get to observe what's happening on the street. It's closed to traffic, and, of course, on a slope. When it snows there's much snow removal activity, as the city is trying to do a good job to keep the street snow free to prevent the build-up of ice. They go at it with huge snowplows and backhoes - I am always worried about one of them crashing through the windows. Last weekend the City Race took place. Our street was turned into a ski run. So, instead of them removing snow, they brought it back onto the clean street, truck load after truck load, until there were a good 2 feet. A small walkway was carved away on one side, protective fences and mats were positioned all along the run, markings were painted onto the snow, a starting ramp was erected and slalom gates set up! Starting at 5pm on Friday, music was blearring and an impressive crowd turned up despite the bitter cold. It's true that November has been so dead in St. Moritz that people were desperate for an opportunity to party! Since the bakery was losing much business because it was just about inaccessible, it set up a booth on the square. Thank God I didn't have to staff it! Fortunately there was no fire at Hanselmann's during that time, because no fire truck would have been able to reach it! All this for a ski run of 100 meters!

Talking about skiing. On my day off last week I went downhill skiing, to a different area, Marguns, above the town of Celerina. I skied only for about one hour, but since we were barely 10 people in total on the run, it was intense skiing, - and enough for my knee. I was pleased to notice that I am becoming more confident, more aggressive, though I limited myself to intermediate runs. I headed home when the light got flat and the cold more biting.

We have had deep winter weather over the last few days. Either it snows, or it's bitter cold. Today's snowing would have been described as a blizzard in the US - here we just say that it's snowing! It doesn't let up, and even the highway remains white. So there definitely wasn't going to be any skiing today - which turns out to be good, because last week my back went out, and it still is not quite back to normal. This week I am limiting my exercising to walking and back stretches! It's the classic case: since starting work one month ago I had stopped doing my back exercising routine because at night I was too tired - and promptly paid the price!

The sale of the apartment is likely be further delayed, as it's unlikely that my sisters and I will find a time to clean it out together before July. Physically and mentally it would be too hard for me to do it on my own. So it looks like in the spring I'll recover from my job, travel to Portland for a visit (I can already tell that I'll need more dental work!) and return to close this chapter of my life. I have pretty much decided to stay at a minimum until early fall. In July I'll have to decide whether to rerent my Portland house or to keep it available for myself. In the summer I'll also look for a job, either here or back in the US.

My aunt told me that she has decided to move into a nursing home as soon as a room becomes available. This represents another unknown in my life. She is relying on me to help her move and clean out her apartment. I can't do this while staying at the job. The call could come tomorrow or in 6 months... I'll somehow deal with it when it comes, but I can't deal with it for now!



Building the ski run - in front of the bakery.















The ramp from which the races started - from the window of my room in St. Moritz.














Recovering in the sun on my weekend off. Near San Gian.














Getting into the holiday spirit.