St. Valentine's Day

Writing posts for this blog is becoming increasingly difficult. First, there really isn't much new happening - and second there just isn't much happening these days. Time has lost its rhythm - there are now only working days and non-working days. The working days are entirely consumed by work. I still take walks during my breaks and once in a while still find a new itinerary, but they really aren't anything to write home about. On the non-working days, I am increasingly feeling the tiredness accumulated on my working days. The concept of weekend no longer exists, just days on and days off, and all of a sudden another month has gone by.

As the work is taking its toll on my body, the loneliness resulting from the work schedule and the remoteness of the valley is also starting to affect me. Except for my aunt, Pablo at Christmas and Marianne in January (and we had only one day together!) I have been alone since I started work on November 1. Despite my efforts to meet people, I have never been invited to anybody's house, nor for an evening out. I have never had as much as a cup of coffee with anybody

I thought I would be devastated when the time comes to leave this place. But perhaps this is the silver lining of this horrible winter: I am now understanding that the Engadin is a great place to vacation, to play, to relax, but it's a difficult and hard place to live in. And it could just be that this awareness will allow me to let it go more easily when the time comes. I am also learning about myself. Although I am comfortable alone and need lots of time alone, there are limits to it. Email and skype just doesn't replace a cup of coffee, or a ski outing, or, heaven forbid, a weekend with a friend.

I still haven't decided whether I will remain in Switzerland or return to the US after I have sold and cleaned out Dad's apartment. But now I know that despite my love for the mountains, despite all the sunshine and fresh air, I will not remain here. I need human contact, I need people to laugh with, I need the stimulation of good conversation and the nurturing of good shared food.

On the news front: we haven't had any significant snowfall since before Christmas, and most of the snow accumulated in November and December is gone. The hills are browning at a scary pace - they look as they did last year in early April. I have done a couple of cross-country itineraries going down the valley because I was afraid that if I postponed them any longer I would no longer be able to do them. It also is unseasonably warm.

Work has turned into hell. While over the holidays I felt that we were a good crew, supportive of each other, now the mood has radically changed. Most of the experienced sales ladies now talk to me only to criticize my work. I am open to criticism, fully aware that I am not perfect and forget things, and make mistakes. But the irony is that there is no way I can learn from the criticism, because I get in trouble with one person because I do, and with the other because I don't: pad the cake boxes with tissue paper; send the remain bread up from the bakery before going on break; bag the buns before cashing in... etc. etc. I am trying to look at it as an outsider, taking note of how insane it is and trying not to let it affect me, but it's not possible to spend that many hours in such an environment and not to let it get at me. Also at least half of the colleagues now feel downright hostile to me. Gone is the easy banter and laughter in-between clients. And I know it's crazy, but little by little the question of my own capabilities enters my mind. My demise from the foundation has profoundly altered my psyche and I do question my abilities. Perhaps I am unfit for work, unable to perform to anybody's expectation, unable to deliver. That's the kind of ideas that enter my mind when I am spending too much time alone, too much time mulling things over.

Happy St. Valentines Day to all my readers.

During the month of February every weekend horse races are taking place on frozen Lake St. Moritz. The level surface is also used as a snow cricket field.












At the annual dinner of Hanselmann's personnel. It was an awkward affair, as most of the store staff boycotted the event. We had to do without desert and the boss remained glued to his seat, abstaining from greeting his staff and mingling with us. (Thank you Rosine for the pretty shirt!)









Sunday afternoon walk on Muottas Muragl. The newly renovated hotel is run entirely by renewable energy sources. An impressive system of trails if plowed into the snow.












Lest I forget that the Hanselmann house in St. Moritz is a veritable fire trap - I am reminded of it each time I step out of my room and over the first class wiring job for the fridge.

Francoise

Fortunately I don't know how it feels to live through a category 5 cyclone, or hurricane. But now I have experienced the agony of having a loved one go through this hell. For those of you who don't know: my sister Francoise lives on a tropical island, offshore from Townsville, in Queensland, Australia. There was no evacuation center on the island and she and her husband live in a prefab house. As I was snuggled in my bed I was thinking about her and her husband, with visions of them clinging to a palm tree before being blown off... As of last night I didn't know whether they were alive or not, injured or not, whether they had lost their house and all their possessions with it. Finally this morning I had the news via sister Brigitte, that they were unhurt and that the house had made it too. I am amazed that the cell phone worked - although now we won't have further news for a while because the island has neither power nor water, and her battery was running out. It doesn't matter - she is alive. I hardly slept through the previous night and spent all day yesterday thinking about her, worrying about her - and today, now that I can relax, I am absolutely exhausted, with something like a hangover although I didn't have any alcohol.

All the rest seems so trivial...

Yesterday, to unglue myself from the computer and the Australian TV network, I forced myself to go cross-country skiing. As every day for the past few weeks, the weather was gorgeous, and warm enough for me to remove all my outer layers - down to a thin fleece top. The snow is disappearing fast, not so much melting, as just evaporating. The south slopes are starting to show bare ground - as they were last year by the end of March! We desperately need fresh snow, lots of it, and fast. So yesterday I chose a section of trail on a south slope, thinking that I'd better do it now, because if we don't get more snow, it might no longer be doable in 10 days from now. The track led over a foot bridge over the Inn, about 3 meters wide (10 feet). As I was in the middle of the bridge I heard an unusual noise behind me, and when I turned around to investigate, I was almost knocked over by an elk who was running across the bridge just about at the speed of light. I could have touched her (it was a cow) - it's a miracle she didn't ram me. I had not yet recovered that a German shepherd followed, at the same speed, obviously after the elk. I tried to slow down the dog but didn't make any difference. By the time I reached the far end of the bridge, both dog and elk had disappeared. No dog owner ever materialized.

I am alternating downhill and cross-country skiing with walks. Earlier this week I went downhill skiing. I am still sticking to my 2 hour outings because skiing alone is rather intense - no mid-slope chitchatting - and after a while, boring. In a helpful coincidence, my bad knee also starts to scream after about 2 hours, and so I have every incentive to quit. Nevertheless, I am pleased to notice that I found again my skiing legs. Granted, I ski much less aggressively than I used to because any hard hit is really painful on the knee. But I am no longer afraid or hesitant and I am again truly enjoying myself, although my performance is much less elegant than it used to be. The most important is to move, challenge myself a bit, enjoy the view, and above all, the sunshine.

New drama on the work front: the colleague from Zuoz who generously gives me rides, was let go because of "restructuring". These are the words that my own employer used when I was laid off from the Lazar Foundation. She is 60 and single and I am outraged that in Switzerland employees are not treated any better than in the US. Granted, the termination is effective only on March 31, just one month before her contract, as everybody's, was expiring. She is one of the few experienced staff to whom I go when I have a question. She is efficient, professional - I can't imagine why on earth she is being let go. Now she has 2 months to find another job, but also she has to work for another 2 months for an employer who doesn't want her, who doesn't care about her and I can't imagine where she'll find the motivation to do her best!


Last weekend business was brisk at the bakery: both bob sleigh and polo on snow world championships were taking place in St. Moritz.














The polo games were held on the frozen lake on which a temporary tent city was built.















It was the place to see and be seen. Never had I seen so many fur coats.



















Of course there also had to be Swiss folklore!