American Bittern

If it weren't for my journal I would not be able to write this blog. In retrospect all of last week appears as one big blur of frenetic activity, faces and hugs melding into each other.

I am now in San Francisco, spending a quiet morning at Claire's, catching my breath, trying to get centered. I spent yesterday mostly in transit, as with public transportation it takes a while to get from Marianne's to PDX, and again from the Oakland airport to Claire's. Then my plane was delayed by more than an hour, which made for much waiting time at PDX. It is however still a relatively sleepy and quiet airport, except for the singer who was belting out Frank Sinatra-style songs at 11am. It is as good a place as any to do the crosswords and get engrossed in a good book (The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon). Actually, I was so lost in my book that upon landing in Oakland I wasn't quite sure where I was. Besides having my head stuck in New York (the location of most of the action of the book), I also felt that I was again taken over by numbness. I was tired from all the running around from last week, but I think there definitely is more to it. I was looking forward to seeing Claire, but I couldn't feel any excitement at being in San Francisco. Perhaps I am becoming like my friend who has traveled so much and lived in so many places, that he no longer puts down any roots or builds any strong connections with any of these places. I'd hate to be like that, but on the other hand it's probably less painful than leaving pieces of my heart strewn across the world.

I had already felt numb during most of this week in Portland. I am trying to sort out whether it is because being in Portland is being at home, so easy, so comfortable, so normal, nothing to get all excited about, or whether I am protecting myself, not allowing myself to feel, because it would make leaving too painful. The fact is that when I left in January I thought I'd be gone for just 9 months, which is not a long time, and no reason to be sad. This time I am leaving having no idea of when I'll return. Of course, I'll visit again, but I truly don't know when I'll return for good. I suspect the numbness also protects me from grieving for the good life I lost at the same time as the job. I am feeling very much adrift and I am actually looking forward to returning to Switzerland, to my apartment, to my small valley, which all look like a protecting cocoon from here.

I am definitely learning the art of letting go. Last week Ron took me to my storage unit and it was an experience to see all my earthly belongings stacked up in this little space - all there, but inaccessible - an ironic symbol of my life! Rick and Larry helped me remove from my house the items that I had left for the former tenants. I gave them both permission to sell or give away my belongings if they need the space, given that this time I cannot claim that it is just for a few months. I am not sure how the mattress or the new leather sofa are faring in storage, and I am expecting to have to remodel most of the house, get new furnishings, and redo the landscaping. Indeed, nobody has done any trimming during the year, and the passage on the side of the house is almost inaccessible, overgrown with intertwined clematis, roses and wisteria from the neighbors' property. The two blueberry bushes that I had planted during my last spring in the house have disappeared and the red current is being buried by other vegetation. Need to let it go, need to let it go... And so I am training myself to be numb because feeling is too painful to bear. I am hoping selective amnesia will help move forward.

This being said, in between dentist appointments the week has been peppered with sweet moments with friends and again I have many thanks to extend: Joe for birding at Ridgefield and the greatest American Bittern siting; Rachel for a lovely Sunday morning at Oaks Bottom and the ride to the doctor's (just a check-up - all's well!); Rick for the removal and storage of my gardening implements (including the first failed attempt because my own key no longer worked for my house); Jon and Merrie for hosting a Cosi serata which allowed me to meet the whole Italian book club. Barbara, Russ, Tom, Cathy, Katherine and Rick all brought healthy and tasty Portland food to go along with Jon's pasta. Thank you Jody for driving me to the pool and back, thank you Tom for getting me to the dentist and thank you Jon for picking me up after the root canal. Regna and Tom (another Tom) fed me more soul food and good conversation. Thank you Bill H. for lunch and thank you Lee and Cathy for spending an unusual but fun afternoon with me. Thank you Larry for picking up the balance of my furniture at my house and for storing it and thank you Rustica for dinner and driving me to the High Desert Committee meeting, which allowed me to see these old friends and desert combat comrades! I am truly overwhelmed by the love and support I am getting from all of you.

Picture 1: San Francisco Cable car at California and Larkin; Claire's house is the 3rd from the right.

Coyote near Ridgefield National Wildlife Refuge (WA)













The American Bittern














Great Blue Heron