Identity Crisis

There once was a woman who had it all: a cute little house in beautiful Portland, Oregon, an interesting job, two adult children whom she saw several times a year, a garden to tend, fresh produce galore, a soothing yoga studio, a challenging Italian book club, many friends with whom to hike, camp, visit, laugh and enough spare time to enjoy all of the above.

Now I feel like just the shell of my former self, stuffed with memories and a deep sense of loss. My new job is taking up all my waking hours and all my energy. When I finally get home in the evening, after a simple dinner I barely have time to respond to the most urgent emails before collapsing. I am feeling bloated from eating bad food. We are required to purchase the bakery's lunch. There is no choice as to the menu. Napkins are obviously too expensive to waste on staff. Afternoon snack consists of bread (plain, no grain nor whole wheat which also probably are too expensive to waste on staff), butter, jam, and lukewarm tea - daily. I have started to supplement with fruit and yogurt but still feel like I am eating too much bread and generally not well enough. I miss cooking my own food, I miss sharing it with friends and family.

I live in a beautiful area in the heart of the Alps but I get only short glimpses of the mountains, mostly when it's dark. They then feel like protective friends waiting for me and I yearn for them.

What ever constituted the frame of my life and whatever allowed me to define my personality is gone. I no longer have time to go to the ladies' evening gym, I don't have time to watch my customary Sunday night movie on Netflix, I no longer have time to follow the environmental news. I definitely don't have time to travel to the lowlands to see friends, or to entertain guests. The feeling of social isolation is aggravated by the looming holidays. I never got much into the commercial aspect of Christmas - for me it's about cocooning in the decorated and lit-up house, playing Christmas music and baking up a storm. It's about kids coming home and cozy times with friends and family.

So, who is Irene? The former webfoot, the happy mountain goat or the exhausted bakery girl? Whichever, I am still wondering whether I should stick with this job or quit. I am tempted to reclaim my life and myself in the process, but at the same time I am afraid I would feel like a quitter. How did Sarah Palin do it, to quit the job as governor of Alaska without feeling bad about it? Oh... to have her gall... If I quit I'd feel like I'd let down my colleagues who have patiently been training me in the subtleties of packaging up delicate pastries (see below). I would also preclude myself from getting another job in Switzerland, since my current employer would not issue the precious work certificate. Meanwhile my time for quitting is running out, since starting on Dec. 1 I'll have to give one month notice.

To my family and friends in the US: best wishes for a warm and cozy Thanksgiving. I'll be with you in my thoughts!

View from my bedroom in Zuoz.















Heaps of snow at the Zuoz train station.















My aunt and my father were born in the little house. My aunt lived in it until her late 60's at which time she then moved into the larger house - directly next door. She still lives there, by herself, at 93.











The pastry makers at the bakery create veritable works of art. This is a chocolate eclair morphed into a swan. Nobody bought this poor little guy so I felt sorry for him and took him home to give him a dignified end.