Escaping

I am going to stick with it through the Christmas season, but I'll ask to have my schedule reduced to 80% starting January 9 - or I'll hand in my resignation effective January 31. I cannot go on like this. I don't know how others do it, but I just can't.

The store is now very busy. There's no longer time to either check the time or go to the bathroom. I am entirely focused on serving, promptly, efficiently, smilingly, and the hours fly by, and all of a sudden it's 7pm and I realize that I am totally wasted. I have now done 5 days in a row at this pace. I have today off, and then I am on for another 5 days. When I finally get home I am too tired to even respond to email - and I apologize to all of you who are waiting to get a personal message. I find myself gulping down my food because the breaks are not long enough to eat and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and refill my water bottle. Even during my long break I now feel stressed. When I am out on a walk I am constantly checking my watch to make sure I am back in the store on time. Today, on my day off, I have been unable to relax, eating too quickly and feeling my heart race. All this can't be good.

My back is better but not good. I ought to go to a chiropractor - no time. I did return to yoga and it helps. I am trying to practice controlled breathing while waiting for clients to make up their mind and while riding the elevator, but it's not quite enough to achieve a zen state. The mood in the store has gotten worse. Obviously I am not the only one to be stressed and tired, and there are all kinds on tensions, misunderstandings, infringements on each other's territories... I am still managing to remain above all of it, but for how much longer?

I feel that the job is literally dispiriting, in the sense that it's robbing me of my spirit. The stress, the tiredness, but also many other petty ways. The uniforms, for example: most of us new employees wear shirts several sizes too big. The shirts of the women who have been there for a long time are worn to the point of being full of holes. A detail, but added to all the other aggravations, it matters. There is the issue of the pens. The business doesn't provide pens. We each have to provide our own, meaning they are preciously guarded and hidden, and retrieved with much effort when needed - which is often. Wouldn't it be so much simpler to have cheap pens lying around a little everywhere, so they are not an additional issue?

If I were the manager I'd call every morning at 8am a short staff meeting. I'd recap the previous day, explain the new pastries and chocolates which are now on the shelf, give advice on how to best gift wrap them, and wish us all a good day. I thought about it on the day when all of a sudden clients brought these big stars to the counter - which I had never seen (it's now too busy to have the time to check what new items might be offered for sale on a daily basis). I had no idea how to wrap them, called an experienced colleague who started packing them up, until the boss arrived and made her unpack them because he has a better idea. Meanwhile the clients were shaking their heads and waiting...

I spent Monday night in St. Moritz. When I plugged in my computer I blew a fuse and spent the rest of the evening in the dark since I couldn't find the fuse box. Fortunately my room faces City Hall with their outrageous display of Christmas lights, which light up my whole room as well as the square below. Since I didn't have anything else to do but think, I started worrying about possible escape routes in case of a fire and came to the conclusion that if there's a fire I am toast - literally. I am on the 4th floor of an old building of which the inside is all wood. There are no fire escapes, no fire breaks, and only one door to the outside, which is locked at all times. I can visualize myself going down 4 floors in the dark and the smoke, and then finding the correct key in my key ring, as well as the key hole, and letting myself out... Seeing all the holes in the walls, pipes and faucets leaking, I can only imagine the state of the wiring. Add to this that most employees smoke. I ended up not sleeping much that night - all the more since the snowplows went into action at 5am and worked on the square until it was time to get up at 7am...

On the positive side: I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit and have been baking Christmas cookies in my spare time (!). I want to bring a tin full to my aunt when I go see her next week. Since I got the recipes from her, who got them from her mother, it's all very appropriate. I have decorated my living room a bit, and yesterday I bought an ornament at the St. Moritz Christmas market - except that when I unpacked it I found the "Made in China" label... Meanwhile I get much joy from observing from afar how my kids are perpetrating the Christmas traditions: Eric called me to ask for the Czech Christmas bread recipe, so he could bake it for his grand-father while on a Thanksgiving visit. Claire is busy baking her cookies - I gave her my mother's cutters. Eric mailed me a St. Nicolas package - which really touched me.


On a walk near Zuoz. I decided it was too cold to go downhill skiing and the cross-country tracks were not yet prepared.













Lake St. Moritz freezing up.
















The St. Nicolas bread man (Benz) sold in the Swiss bakeries on December 6th. My kids will agree with me that those we baked as a family were prettier and more interesting - and I must add, also better.

















Schoggispitzbuben - one of the family Christmas cookie recipes.