Endings

I have not written in a long time. First there really isn't much new to share. Second there really isn't much positive to share, and I am afraid my friends are getting tired of reading about my complaints. Third, I did have some great days, thanks to visiting friends, but then there is no time to sit at the computer and blog about all the fun I have had. Still, it is time for me to take stock, and for my friends to receive an update.

Last night, for the first time since I started work on November 1st, it was still day light when I got home, and this morning I was woken by the sun. My friends know that I am not a morning person and that it takes me a while to get moving, but today I jumped out of bed, ready to start my day (day off!). As a matter of fact, most days have been sunny this winter, but the Engadin being a mountain valley, during the winter the sun would reach my house later in the morning. The winter is nearing its end. This is Engadiner Marathon week. I was again asked to help out at the Zuoz feeding station, but I have to work on that day. I admit that even if I had not been working, I would have hesitated to volunteer, as I am exhausted from my job and really need my days off to rest and relax. Besides, I had not found the volunteering very rewarding. The other volunteers were not friendly to me - I ended up introducing myself to my group and going to lunch by myself. No lasting contact resulted from that effort.

The women's race took place last Sunday, and this coming Sunday will be the major event, the marathon from Maloja to S-Chanf, with 12,000 expected participants. The marathon marks the end of the winter season in the valley, although the high elevation ski lifts will remain open for several more weeks. I intend to make good use of them.

Winter is not the only entity to come to an end. I have started counting the weeks and the days left to work: 7 weeks and 28 days. It still is a lot, given the conditions, but the end definitely is in sight. I have signed a contract with a real estate agency, and therefore the end of the apartment and of my stay in Zuoz are also becoming real. After this horrible winter I feel ready to let it all go. I am sure to return, but as a tourist, to have fun, nothing more.

The end of my stay in Zuoz will usher in new beginnings - but at this point I have no idea what I'll do after this chapter. I will have to call an end to the Lemonade Project, and resume real life, in one form or another. This question is constantly at the back of my mind and it is torturing me. I am trying to look at it as an adventure - I am so free, I am sure many people are envying my situation. But what was exciting to me at 25 is painful at my current age. I long to belong, to put down roots, to feel part of a community, in short, to have a life. My stay in Zuoz has taught me one big lesson about myself: as much as I love the outdoors and need sunshine, in the end, I'll be better off under the fog but with friends, than alone in the sunshine.

At this point it looks like my options are either to remain in Switzerland (probably in Neuchatel), or to return to Portland. I actually have made the list with the four columns, the pluses and the minuses of living in Switzerland, versus returning to the US. My sister is arriving tomorrow for a couple of days, and I am am counting on her for some productive brainstorming. I feel terribly torn, and I am actually welcoming any advice/ideas/input/insights from you my readers.

I am longing for permanence, for returning to my house, to my garden, to my community (neighborhood, French, Italian, yoga, pool, environmental) to the land of big wild areas. I am dreaming of the life I used to have, but I know that things will not be the same. The aspects that always bothered me about the US are more exacerbated than ever: the violence, the lack of social safety nets, the compromised public education systems, the absence of effective public transportation. I guess I could get used to it once again, ignoring most of the above and just contently living my life, cultivating my garden. Yet - I must live with the fact that there is a good possibility that I will never again find a job, which begs the question of what I'll do with myself and with my life, once I have remodeled the house and brought the garden back from the brink. Will I finally be able to forgive those who destroyed my life by terminating my foundation job? Will I be able to find a reason to get up in the morning? I have learned that vacations and days off are precious only because they are rare. Once in infinite supply they no longer have the same appeal. I am sure that at some point in life one is ready to let go of other ambitions but I am not yet there. I am yearning to contribute. I feel that if I return to the US I need to have an idea of what I actually want to accomplish there. If I have to survive without any income, my ability to travel, either on major trips, or just to Mt. Hood will be limited. I will have to purchase a car, but will I be able to afford gas?

Staying in Switzerland would allow me to keep on living without a car, always close to nature. We basically have no unemployment (3.5%) - but what are the chances of me finding a job at my age, after having been out of the workforce for over 2 years? Everything is less intense here, saner, and the social safety net certainly is a comforting thought. Some issues, however, are the same as if I return to the US: what will I do with myself if I don't find a job? How will I pay for a place to live if I don't find a job? Other factors are my 93 year old aunt. I am the only family member to visit her on a regular basis, and I know that these visits are a great comfort to her. Last, but not least, my heart wants to stay close to somebody special, but life circumstances don't allow me to make this a deciding factor - no matter how much I'd like to.

I will fly to Portland on May 25, and stay in the US for about one month. Of course a side trip to San Francisco to see Claire, and a stop-over in NY on the way back to see Eric are a must. I fear many trips to the dentist, but I am also hoping for walks and hikes with my friends. Perhaps this stay in the US will provide me with the key to making a decision. I already have to purchase now my next ticket back to the US, and I will haphazardly book for Sept. 15. Either it will be my definite return, or a trip to organize a permanent move back to Europe (note to my kids: permanent only until either Medicare kicks in, or I become a grand-mother, whichever comes first. I will not sell my house, not ever!). The deciding moment will be the end of July when I have to give my renter notice if I want to retake possession of my house at the end of his lease.

My dear aunt, 93, for all practical purposes now housebound, waving goodbye as I am off to catch my train back to Zuoz.













Checking on the stone wall I helped to rebuild in August.













Impressive snow wall on the summit of Bernina Pass. Childhood friend Marlyse visited with her husband, my high school friend Jacques. I introduced them to each other. My mother and Marlyse's mother were friends before we were born. Our kids are friends and have visited across the ocean.









Downhill skiing at its best. Corviglia, above St. Moritz, with friend Pierre (another high school friend!).