The sad end of the story

When I was getting ready to leave Oregon in January 2010 many friends thought that The Lemonade Project was really exciting and seemed envious of my opportunity to move to Switzerland. I acknowledge that indeed I was very lucky to have an alternative to collecting unemployment and to be able to live out my dream of living in the Engadin for a year. It was a rich and rewarding time. It allowed me to get to better know my American friends who visited me and to get reacquainted with old Swiss friends. There were many fun moments and I don't regret my decision to come here. However, in response to my friends' enthusiasm for my plans, I would point out that despite the attractiveness of the undertaking, it was not going to end well, since the purpose of it all was to sell my father's place, to clean it out and thus undo almost 50 years of family history in the valley. I am now walking away from memories of my mother, of course of my father, of my aunt as a much younger woman, of family friends long dead, of childhood with my sisters, of my own children learning to walk and discovering their Swiss roots.

I sold my father's apartment 2 days ago, and I have started the process of yielding it to the next owner. The closing date has not yet been set, but it is likely to be on August 5th, while my sisters and I will leave it forever on July 29. I don't know where I will be going after that. I am sad beyond description and I can't wait for my sister's arrival. For now grief and sadness are my only companions. It's unbearable.

At least I am again sleeping well. I had a terrible time getting over the jet lag, despite the fact that coming just from NY it should have been relatively easy. I would fall asleep, then wake up in the middle of the night, and not be able to go back to sleep, thinking about the difficulties of the weeks ahead. Thankfully I am now so exhausted, i.e. emotionally drained, that I fall asleep instantly and deeply despite dreams that thankfully I cannot remember in the morning.

Between my return and the confirmation of the sale of the apartment I had a sweet reprieve with the visit of Tom and Cathey from Portland/Lanciano. I once again played my favorite role - guide through my beloved town and favorite landscape. It felt awkward because I was myself getting reacquainted with the summer sights, the green fields undulating under the afternoon winds, the smells of the haying, the light, the noise of the river rushing by under my window at night - while at the same time I knew that I should detach myself from it all, since I am about to leave.

Last night I had a phone interview for a position with the Oregon Community Foundation. I am perfectly qualified for the job, but I was so nervous that I once again bungled the interview, stuttering, tripping over my words, leaving sentences unfinished... I hung up devastated. I have come to the conclusion that I'll need intensive one-on-one interview coaching to ever be able to land another job. I know I have good skills, I am getting interviews, but I just cannot get a job.

Talking about jobs: as I was strolling through St. Moritz with Tom and Cathey I decided to drop in at Hanselmann's to check on my former colleagues. The one who had consistently been so mean to me was there, feigning not to see me. When she could no longer ignore me she greeted me with the remark that I put on weight! So there you have it: Irene put on weight, thanks to the great food and generous drinks of her Oregon friends. Interestingly, the scale barely registers a difference though.

I am much worried about my aunt. I have not yet been able to see her, as she says that she doesn't have the energy for a visit. I'll make another attempt tonight. She now gets easily overwhelmed and I need to respect that. On the other hand I know that my visits are stimulating her and make her feel better.

I thought I would spend the first half of July hiking all over my favorite valleys, mountains, meadows... but so far I have not managed more than short walks or bike rides - it seems that all my energy was taken up first by getting ready for the interview, and now by preparing the move. I am hoping that one of these days I'll feel like I have the situation under control and can head out for some much needed change of scenery.


Summer in the Engadin: walking through the fields towards S-chanf














I took Tom and Cathey on one of my favorite hikes to the Val Fedoz.














Cars are not allowed in lateral valleys. Here is the parking lot of the hotel/restaurant at the back of the Val Roseg.













A baleful (!) walk between Zuoz and Madulain.