My ship is coming

I returned from St. Gallen on Saturday night. Yesterday I rested, today I dealt with various personal business, paying bills, picking up the ticket for the trip on the Queen Mary, stocking up on chocolates; tomorrow it's the last trip to St. Gallen to say goodbye to my aunt.

Fortunately one doesn't have to do too often in a lifetime what I went through last week. Having moved my father to a nursing home, and later having watched him die, and now having moved my aunt, I am coming to the conclusion that it's easier to be watching over a dying elderly loved one. The physical work of sorting, packing, moving, carrying, all the items covered with dust accumulated over weeks, and sometimes over decades, the worrying about the physical and emotional well being of the loved one being uprooted and thrown into new surroundings and a new life over which she doesn't have much control, the grieving for the loved one who is no longer the person one was used to, and finally, the grieving for the loss of the last bit of childhood, all the memories dug up in the cleaning out of the apartment... thank God one doesn't have to go through this too often because it's unbearable. I have now cleaned out 4 homes in less than 3 years, two within 2 months. It's too many in too short a time. I trust that I'll never have to do it again.

It all went as well as possible. The retirement home is beautiful, clean, full of light. My aunt's room is big, bright, with just about the same beautiful view as she had from her home. It's large enough to fit all the furniture she was hoping to bring along, as well as her favorite art. The staff is kind, patient and understanding. Still, despite the fact that she understands the impossibility of her now living alone at home, and despite the fact that she wanted to come here, she also knows that this now is her universe until she dies. She knows all she has lost, first of all her independence, the ability to come and go as she pleases. Also very hard on me is the fact that I now have been visiting her once a month for almost two years, cooking for her, shopping for her, looking after her, making her laugh, and I feel like I am abandoning her by returning to my own life. She has become emotionally dependent on me, and I am feeling terrible leaving her. Yet, I must live my own life, whatever it will be. I am dreading tomorrow, I will need all the strength and courage I can muster.

The following 2 days will be spent sorting my own belongings and preparing for shipping everything but the content of one suitcase - which content will have to suffice until the shipment arrives, probably sometime in November. A couple of dinner dates with friends, and then it's my last weekend in Switzerland. The plans are still hazy, as I am hoping to spend it with my sisters, but their own plans are still fluid. Monday I will travel to Geneva for my last night in Switzerland, on Tuesday I'll travel to London to board the ship. Returning by boat is the best decision I have made: for one week I won't have either email or a phone, nobody can find me and upset the peace and quiet I will seek during the journey. I can truly transition from my Swiss life to whatever is expecting me in the United States.

Today I picked up my ticket and finally got the entertainment program of the trip. There'll be a masquerade - and let me tell you that 6 days before sailing my mind is focused on other issues than costumes and masks and other such frivolities!

Once again, thank you for your supportive emails and comments. My computer time is very limited and I can respond only to the most urgent messages. Writing a page for my blog is a rare treat - thank you Carole for lending me your computer!